What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 06:43
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I will be 64.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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We all went to grammer schools
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot live in the past .
Why do a bra and panties have to match?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Comes on , in middle age.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
In my experience, British people are fat, ugly and arrogant. Why is it and can it be changed?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So whats the point in blame.
I think the readers, may guess!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But, we were locked up after school.
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(And it was in our own minds.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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I have no regrets .
Was to survive, this bastard.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So, i spoilt her more .
I was scared of men, in general
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And i lived it daily.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It was going to be , some day.
He knew the spot.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im still living with it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
When she asked me how she looked .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My life is so biszare .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Put me off passion for life!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She found it foreign!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Ive learnt so much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
This is soul school!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was seconnd youngest,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I write beautiful poetry .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But it wasn’t much.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She married twice! .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We were not on the streets..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was very sick at this time too.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was in good health!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As i do to all so called friends.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What did i know ?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She wouldn,t have been !
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I said to her
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I waited trembling.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was 9 years of age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She loved him until the end.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Would this be the day?
This is how, and why children get BPD.